The Center Seat

Top 5 reasons to skip this one...

5. That title. Ugh. I can't even type it without a little bile coming up.

4. Have you seen Nic Cage's hair in this one? It's like Billy Mitchell's Jesus hair got together with Tom Hanks' Da Vinci Code mop and made sweet, sweet hair love. In a big puddle of jerry curl.

3. Apparently the Thai movie on which it's based wasn't that good either.

2. They won't screen it for critics. Always a bad sign.

1. This trailer.

...Click here for the rest of this tasty post.

I hadn't heard much about this action/adventure/sci-fi/ *yawn*/thriller until reading this post by Fox over at Lazy Eye Theatre... not good.

It's generally a really bad sign if both the director and the lead actor of a movie brutally trash it during promotion season. Bad, bad sign.

Remember when Star Wars used to be cool? Groundbreaking, even. But that was like 25 years ago. I was a cute little cherub in pigtails.

I've moved on, and so should George Lucas. MSN critic Jim Emerson agrees.

On the Tomatometer: 23%. It's not pretty.

Update: Click the link for another great reason NOT to see this one, presented by the brilliant Piper of Lazy Eye Theater.

So I was watching Freaky Friday on "The Wonderful World of Disney" tonight* and the Disney people took the opportunity to relentlessly plug their upcoming film, Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Unfortunately, it only confirmed my initial instinct about this movie... it's just a big vapid animal stunt. 100 dogs manipulated by CGI + tired, exploitative jokes + the voices of George Lopez and Drew Barrymore = a big fat WHO CARES?

With all respect to costars Barrymore, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Piper Perabo (all of whom I love), I'm thinking that if you're over the age of six, you really need to find something better to do with your $9. There's a recession on. Use the cash for something worthwhile... if you're taking the kids out, go see WALL-E again.

*Yeah. In my pj's. With a big bowl of mac and cheese. That's how I roll.

Two posts on the same feature, in the same day. Not my usual M.O., but this festering turd couldn't be ignored. A big thank you to Fletch for tipping me off on this stunner, coming to a not-so-discriminating theater near you this August. The premise: three flies become stowaways on the Apollo 11 mission to the moon. *Yawn* Oh, sorry.

Among the myriad reasons you should skip this one:

1. As many have noted, the three flies seem to be Alvin and the Chipmunks reincarnated, complete with Simon's round glasses. People, the actual Alvin and the Chipmunks movie sucked donkey balls. What makes you think a ripoff of our favorite trio of singing rodents will do any better?
2. The dialogue is atrocious. It seems aimed at your average six-year-old. Simple sentences. Formulaic "hooray!" reactions. Nothing stimulating whatsoever. (I've got nothing against six-year-olds, but the best animated films appeal to all members of the audience.)
3. The quality of the animation...well, is it just me, or did I see this stuff on a straight-to-video release that came free with a Pizza Hut Pepperoni Lovers', circa 1999?
4. It's showing only in 3D. That's going to set you back about $15, folks. Don't do it.

Here's the trailer:

...Click here for the rest of this tasty post.

I actually mulled this one over for a while. The premise had promise, in an absurdist kind of way. I guess I thought there was the chance that it could end up being campy and cool.

So today I watched the trailer and... yeah. It's vapid slapstick. Doesn't seem to be worth the film stock it's shot on.

Decide for yourself (trailer after the jump), but I vote "no".

...Click here for the rest of this tasty post.

From the geniuses who brought you Date Movie and Meet the Spartans...

America, wake up! You're making these idiots rich! Stop it! Stop it now!!!

I honestly don't think Eddie Murphy actually reads the scripts anymore. Makes me sad, really.

This one looks god-awful. If you're not convinced, watch the trailer after the jump. But don't say I didn't warn you.

...Click here for the rest of this tasty post.

As someone who takes cinema a titch more seriously than the average duck, I get a lot of requests for recommendations. This ranges from Dad calling me right before heading to the theater a few weeks ago, to my coworker Virgin Mother sitting in my office this morning until I emailed her a list of DVD recommendations.

It's always cool when someone respects your opinion. Often, though, I have to break out the anti- recommendations; it occasionally becomes necessary to talk my loved ones out of seeing a stinker. They don't always heed the warning, but at least they can never say I didn't warn them.

And with this in mind*, I'm starting a new feature: Friends Won't Let Friends See... It will be based on my solely objective estimation of a movie's potential putridity. Most of the time, I'll anti-recommend something I haven't (and won't) see**, based on what I've read, and my opinion of the trailer. On the occasion I did see something absolutely cruddy, I'll certainly include it.

One more thing... I don't really have an objective rating system for movies I've actually seen... so I will also not implement one here. Just take my advice, or leave it.

*I admit I was also inspired by the trailer for Meet Dave this weekend.
**No one has yet offered to pay me to see the dreck. ...Click here for the rest of this tasty post.